2002-12-09T16:03:00.000-08:00

It started out good, it really did. We went to Hart Park for a transcendentalist field trip, if you will, and I drew a tree and played frisby. It was, by far, the best part of my day. I was among all my friends, and I hadn't done anything wrong. We got back about fourth period, but I didn't mind much because I know the things we're doing in Chemistry. In math I actually gave in to homework, which I have done half of, thank you very much you may pass go and collect two-hundred dollars. English was fine. I sat next to Mike because he forgot his book. Shelly kept looking at me from across the room as if I'd betrayed her somehow. The really interesting part of the day was lunch. It started out good, but then there was something wrong with Jamie, so Shelly went to talk to her and make her better. She's a good person like that. Usually I would have talked to Stacy and Mud, but they weren't very conversational, so I made my way over to the other side of the upper citadel to talk to my old group, which, over time has become entirely male. It doesn't bother me, I can joke and laugh with them and that's all that matters. I'm not particularly close to any of them, but they still are my friends, and i just don't feel like abandoning anybody. I asked Mike if he had done the English, and I settled down to talk to them, and then got up and went back over to Mud and Stacy. They still had nothing to say, so I continued to migrate between the groups. Then we got the frisby out again and played in the quad. It was alright. But as I went to go to class, Shelly was still with Jamie. I debated going with her, but they were talking about some pretty private things previous to the bell, and I didn't want to intrude. I walked with Jeff and Mike and Matt instead.
Well, apparently Shelly had tried to call me over, and I think she felt like I had walked away from her to be with other people. Chose them over her. So she's been upset with me for the rest of the day. She even seemed slightly rude when she responded to Mike when he asked her a few questions. Anyway, usually I give her rides home, but she told me that she needed to go think, and I asked her if she wanted me to leave her alone. She didn't say anything at first, and I told her to feel free to tell me to leave her be. She said she couldn't do that. So I told her, fine, i'll leave you alone, and walked away.
I re-read all of that and I need to specify that Shelly and Mike aren't going out. Actually, Shelly and I are going out. I am female. And so is she. So now that that's all cleared up.
I guess the way I feel is confined. In a cage. I can't hang out with other people without her eyes boring holes in the back of my head, even if she doesn't say anything to me about her not liking it. She repeatedly assures me that as long as i'm not flirting or anything like that, it's all fine. I can have my friends. But she ALWAYS thinks i'm flirting. I really am not a flirt. I find people attractive, and yes, I have done it before, but let's just say that I'm not the only one at fault.
I went to a party about a month ago, to which she was not invited. She got angry at me for going. When she found out that I was going, she tried to ask me to go do things with her, and when I told her that I had made former arrangements she blamed me for chosing them over her. I tried to explain that I was going for my own reasons, not going for theirs' or for hers. It didn't fly. Maybe I'm way off about this whole thing. Maybe I'm not supposed to be able to do my own thing; maybe i'm supposed to ask "how high?" when she asks me to jump. But if that's true, then i don't really want the relationship. Actually, in all complete honesty I don't want it anyway. I don't approve of these kind of things. I don't like her possessiveness, I don't like her jealousness and her accusing glares. I don't like the fact that God is telling me that it's wrong. But I find myself too weak and ridiculously cowardly to get it over with. To end it all. I love her in a lot of ways, despite myself. She has been the best to me, she has been the worst to me. But she has been honest. I don't know about my honesty. I'm honest when asked a direct question. I'm honest with the way I feel in just about all things. But there are a few that scare the living crap out of me. And I suppose this is one of them.

follow the path.